It was an intensely sunny morning in Astana, Kazakhstan—not a cloud in the sky and bright snow everywhere. The hotel lounge, where I spent much of my time when I was in the northern capital, was spacious and brilliantly lit by the sunlight flooding through its floor-to-ceiling windows. The temperature outside dove well below zero, and the air felt hard. Inside, the coffee was strong and hot, and the pastries were to die for.
Even though it was Saturday, I was working as I almost always did. But, this morning, I hoped to start the day slowly before jumping back into my meetings with Kazakhstani officials. As the United States Air Attaché to Kazakhstan, I was responsible for ensuring smooth transit of troops and supplies passing through the former Soviet republic en-route to Afghanistan. Since the huge country is on the shortest flight path between our bases in Europe and the theater of operations, we usually had a lot to discuss.
I was looking out the massive window, sipping my coffee and exhaling deep breaths, when my cell phone jumped off the table in front of me. Even the ring sounded urgent! My chest quickly tightened as I picked up the call and heard the voice of the Commander of US Forces in Kyrgyzstan just south of us. The men and women under his command provided tactical air support for ground troops in Afghanistan, and they needed another emergency landing option for their Navy F-18s. Since Almaty, Kazakhstan was just over the Tien Shan mountains from his base in Bishkek, he pleaded with me to secure landing rights there. Immediately. If for weather—or any other reason—US planes couldn’t land at their airfield, they had to go somewhere!
Good point. I told him I would run with it and immediately headed to the gym where the US Ambassador worked out on the treadmill every morning when we were on the road. I needed his top-cover and a couple of high-level phone calls before I could initiate negotiations with the Kazakhstani Ministries of Defense and Foreign Affairs. Although I knew the Ambassador prized his “alone time” in the gym, I barged in anyway. We had to make this landing option happen.
I’ll tell you right now that we got it done, because the negotiations aren’t the point of this story. My life “pivot point” is. As I approached the Ambassador in the gym, I noticed something about myself that launched me on a long and arduous journey toward more wholesome manhood: I didn’t feel like a man. I felt like something less than a man. A “guy,” really—an Air Force officer who was fulfilling a role that was incongruent with his true experience of himself. I guess I felt younger than I actually was. I was simply playing a man’s role in a man’s world. Later, I remembered that this feeling was not new to me; I felt “smaller” than other men at various points throughout my entire adult life. It was just something that I tried to keep out of my mind.
At first, I felt ashamed of myself. After all, I was admitting that I felt “less than” other men. Real men. At the bottom of it, I wasn’t a man, just a guy. That’s how I felt anyway. But the more I talked with other men about the way they saw themselves, the more I realized that a huge number of us feel like guys and not men! Knowing that I wasn’t alone was a tremendous relief to me, of course. But this knowledge sure made me curious….
How about you? What is your experience of manhood? I encourage you to take time to work through the prayer project outlined below. Next week, I’ll talk more about the potential causes of our “guy” versus “man” self-assessment as we continue to journey together.
Prayer Project
Please take some time to sit in a quiet place where you won’t be distracted for at least 30 minutes. Then, ask God and ask yourself the questions below. If you can, write down your answers in a notebook that you might keep for this journey we’re taking together. No right answers here—just be as honest as you can.
- God, what do I believe a man is? What is he like? What characteristics does he have?
- Where am I in relation to this view, Lord? How do I measure up?
- Do I feel more like a “guy” than a man? If I do, what makes being a guy a better fit for me? What makes it feel more comfortable?
- How do I feel about what I just wrote down, Lord? Am I okay with it? Do I want to change in some way?