This morning, I found myself thinking back to my first encounter with a concrete theology of growth. The Air Force had me in California at the time—I can hardly believe that it was 25 years ago! I sat in my dining room enjoying a slow start to my Saturday morning. Outside, the weather was perfect, as it almost always is in the Golden State. I stared out the sliding glass doors toward some trees swaying gently in a light breeze, my mind in a peaceful morning fog. Then, it happened. Out of nowhere, a difficult conclusion invaded my mind and settled into my bones: I wasn’t growing!
Wow, where did this come from? Usually when an uncomfortable thought popped into my mind, I would get up and get going. I routinely used forward movement to put some soothing distance between myself and my tormenter. But, this day, I somehow had the capacity to allow the thought to linger. And I began to poke around a little. I realized that the thought wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. I had fleeting glimpses of it before, only in the form of a question: “Am I a man who is behaving differently, or am I a different man?” Of course, I never pursued this question when it bubbled up in my mind, but it did leave some instability in its wake. Doubts began to emerge about my character development. Sure, my behavior better lined up with Scripture. But was I the kind of man who behaved biblically as a natural outflow of a different heart? Was my character really more like Jesus’ character (Romans 8:28)? Or, was I just trying to think and act more like Jesus while most of my heart was left largely unchanged?
I felt—in that deep and intuitive way—that my heart wasn’t keeping pace with my actions, particularly as I considered the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Certainly, I tried to act with more love, patience, and kindness, etc. But was I a more loving man, naturally, from the heart? A more patient man?
I felt compelled to explore my growth issue further, so for the first time in my Christian life, I wrote down my understanding of forward movement in the faith. That morning, I documented the same list of four building blocks that I shared with you last week. And after sitting with my list for only a few minutes, the fourth building block—“I change to the degree I put forth effort in my spiritual practices and in obedience”—landed in my soul with the weight of a wrecking ball. If I wanted more substantive change, I needed to try harder! Even though I was a very serious and deeply devoted believer, I had to get more serious. I had to put in more effort. And I did. I doubled down on both time and intensity. For years, I aggressively leaned forward in all of my spiritual practices.
Almost a decade would pass. Then, I crashed—exhausted, defeated, disillusioned.
I knew that something had to be wrong with my theology of growth. There was…. Again, John Coe helped me see that my understanding of Christian maturation held a deep and momentous implication: it is within my power to change. Out of sincere gratitude to Jesus for all that He did for me, I am compelled to action. I respond with my whole life—I want to be the man He made me to be and live the kind of life He made me to live. It is my proper posture. Empowered by the deepest appreciation, I have the capacity to walk off from my old self (Ephesians 4:22) and be my new self (Ephesians 4:24). If I fall short in any way, my failure can only reflect deficiencies in my thankfulness, seriousness, and effort.
Unknowingly, I had set before me an impossible task. My Christian life had become pressurized, heavy, burdensome, and exhausting. I struggled off and on with feelings of failure, guilt, and shame. I was a secret sufferer, trying to be who I thought I should be, but knowing I was not.
What about your journey with Jesus? Have you been through seasons like the one I just described? Are you in a season like this now? Bless you if you are a secret sufferer. We need to ask God some questions, don’t we? “God, is there a better way to live?” “Lord, what do you mean when you tell me to put off the old man and put on the new? What does obedience to these commands really look like?”
As we explore these questions together, we will be drawn toward a foundational truth like objects caught in a gravitation field: without Jesus, we can do nothing. John 15:5 is our gateway to a different and more biblical life.
Prayer Project
Please take some time to sit in a quiet place where you won’t be distracted for at least 30 minutes. Then, ask God and ask yourself the questions below. If you can, write down your answers in a notebook that you might keep for this journey we’re taking together. No right answers here—just be as honest as you can.
- God, what has my life with You really been like for me? I know that life is a mixed bag, full of all kinds of experiences, good and bad. But what has been in my bag? Has my Christian life felt pressurized, heavy, burdensome, and exhausting? Have I sometimes struggled with feelings of failure, guilt, and shame? Have I been a secret sufferer?
- Lord, what am I feeling as I share this with you? Am I okay? Uncomfortable? Scared? Why, Lord?
- Take some time to thank God for His desire to be with you in reality. He loves you!
- Marinate this week in Jesus’ invitation: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28). Are you weary? Burdened? Lean into Jesus and try to rest a while in His presence. Exhale… Let go of your striving as best you can.