Before we jump in today, I just have to tell you that it’s a perfect Fall Day in Central Florida. The massive oak in my backyard is bathed in that yellowish sunlight that somehow calms the earth. And a light breeze blows to the south, gently moving the moss and making the lake appear to be an expansive, slow-moving river… So peaceful.
Okay, let’s get to it. Our interaction with last week’s post brings us to this logical question: “Where does our comfortability with being “guys” come from? What is its source?
Well, as the Count of Monte Cristo once said, “It’s complicated.” What I mean is, there are many dynamics that influence our view of ourselves. After years of thinking about this question, I have identified at least seven reasons why we might see ourselves as guys and not men:
- Misconception of manhood—we have a misinformed vision of masculinity that is in some way(s) “higher” than where we currently see ourselves. We don’t feel like we measure up.
- Misconception of where we are in our masculine journey—we have a reasonably accurate vision of masculinity, but we have an inaccurate assessment of where we are in relation to the standard we envision. Again, we don’t feel like we measure up.
- Cultural conditioning—we are simply formed by our culture to become “guys” and not men. Our culture lacks the intentional masculine development embraced by other cultures (including public celebration of milestones or gates).
- Early Formation—to some degree, we naturally feel “less than” our fathers, since we experienced them as “god-like” authority figures when we were very young and highly impressionable. They are men and, therefore, we are not. They are above us. We are guys.
- Western vernacular—for some reason (and I’m no cultural anthropologist), use of the word “guy” to describe men is both widespread and pervasive. The term seems to be our default descriptor. Having two words to describe men (“guy” and “man”) seems to create or reflect “difference.” We naturally settle with the term that fits us best.
- Lack of robust maturity—we are not “whole.” We are not yet fully developed men. We shrink a bit from the responsibility that we believe rests on men. We’re not “there” yet.
- Any combination of these reasons and, no doubt, others.
Wow, that’s a lot! You’re probably wondering how we might sift this list to discover any large and useful nuggets. Well, are you familiar with the term, “Center of Gravity?” The phrase has several—and similar—meanings across many disciplines, but I’m particularly interested in the way it is used in the military. When I was on active duty with the Air Force, we attached the term to this question: “What single act would produce the greatest impact?” or, in other words, “If I had only one bomb to drop, and I wanted to cause the most destruction possible (both directly and indirectly), where would I drop it?” With this idea in mind, I gravitate to Number 6 on our list above.
I believe that if we address any lack of robust maturity, everything else will pretty much take care of itself. And—without putting you through the pain of another list of reasons—I believe that we often need more development as men because we repress the places of our hearts that hold unwanted truths about ourselves. These unwelcome realities are numerous, including sin, wounds, immaturity, weakness, brokenness, failures, guilt, shame, anger, pain, sadness…. Many things! We experience these areas of our hearts as threatening, don’t we? We naturally want to avoid exposure in front of others. And we usually don’t want to see or acknowledge these unsightly truths either. We believe that we can’t handle these parts of ourselves, or that they are the “unlovable me” inside. Where would we be if this “stuff” leaked out in front of family, friends, colleagues, or fellow church members? How would we secure the acceptance, respect, and love that we so desperately need? Sadly, we often think that God also rejects these areas of our hearts.
Bless you as you sit with these words. Allowing ourselves to see and experience the truth about ourselves is difficult. Self-awareness takes a lot of courage.
Next week, we will search for the biblical view of our suppressed hearts. What difference does it make that we have pushed some things down out of sight? What would God have us do with them? But this week, let’s work through the questions below—slowly and patiently.
Prayer Project
Please take some time to sit in a quiet place where you won’t be distracted for at least 30 minutes. Then, ask God and ask yourself the questions below. If you can, write down your answers in a notebook that you might keep for this journey we’re taking together. No right answers here—just be as honest as you can.
- God, do I agree that it might be important to look at some of things I have hidden deep in my heart? Why, or why not?
- What makes me want to keep these parts of myself hidden? What am I afraid of?
- How do you see these areas of my heart, Lord? Do you reject them? Accept them? Are you indifferent to them?
Lord, help me stay with this blog journey and see what it’s about. Give me wisdom to go through it at my own depth and my own pace. Thank you for being with me.